Crime at the Stillman Valley Post Office

At the time, I didn’t realize the Postmistress was bound and gagged in the back of the Stillman Valley Post Office. It was only later, over a sub, that I was able to piece this together. Besides me, she, talking about the post office lady, was the other victim in the crime, though my wife and our church administrative assistant also suffered. And Stacy at Shear Madness was inconvenienced, though Stacy was pleasant throughout. My wife, Jamie, and Jana, our church admin, were less pleasant.

So far as I can tell, Pearl was the only one who benefited, though I was blessed to see her. I should point out that Pearl is from southern Iowa and deserves to be blessed.

I digress. Near the end of the day I was looking for my car keys at church. My keys were nowhere to be found. This was a logical impossibility since I drove to church and had not left the entire day. Indeed, I worked through lunch. Strictly speaking, I wasn’t exactly fasting, but if I hadn’t bragged about it now I might have been in line for some sort of reward (Matthew 6:1). Though polishing off the Nutter Butters when I got home might also have disqualified me from what could be called a biblical fast.

Back to my missing car keys. Given that I had drive to church, and not left the premises, there were only two possibilities. Either:

1. I locked them in my car.

2. Or, Jana (our church admin) misplaced my keys.

I like to give Jana the benefit of the doubt, as it is  my practice to extend grace, so I asked Jamie, who was picking Allie up from the Stillman Valley library, to stop by with an extra car key so we could search my immaculate Camry.

Jamie did stop by. She could not find my keys in the car.

In the mean time, I found a set of Jana’s keys at church and immediately realized what had happened.

1. I set my keys down on the counter adjacent to Jana’s.

2. Jana, who has been a bit frazzled as of late, took my keys with no malice aforethought.

I know this is possible because I once inadvertently took a guy’s keys from a public library in Grand Rapids, MI.

I speed-dialed Jana who, inconveniently for me, was shopping. She denied taking the keys but agreed to quit shopping to look in her vehicle for my keys.

I waited patiently (Isaiah 40:28-31) for Jana to confirm that she had my keys and contemplated the logistics of getting them back, as Jana lives a full 4 tenths of a mile from me, and now that junior tackle football has started, High Road traffic has picked up.

Jana insisted on that she did not have the keys. When I pointed out that I had not left church the entire day, she reminded me that I had gotten a haircut.

Yet, again, humility required that I consider the possibility that I had been absent minded with my keys. I went down to Shear Madness and asked Stacy to return my keys. She also denied having them, and pointed out that she had seen me drive away after getting a haircut which necessitated I had my keys when I left. It all came back to me. Stacy and I had been discussing precious metal prices with enough intensity that I almost forgot to pay her.

Usually, I walk to get a haircut, but I had forgotten today that I had an appointment, so I drove there at the last minute, after taking Allie to the library, never exceeding the speed limit, you understand.

As I was leaving Shear Madness, I remembered that I had also left church to go to the post office so I hiked (so as to save fuel) the 25 yards to the post office and saw my keys on the post office counter in plain site.

At once, it became clear to me what had taken place. The post office person (who was not the regular) had pick-pocketed me. I know this sort of thing is possible since I recently watched the art of pick-pocketing.

Logic requires the crime. I surmise that the lady at the counter took them, after overpowering the normal post office lady.  When she saw that I had solved the crime, she resigned by putting my keys back on the counter, which was fortunate for her given the consequences of being convicted of grand theft auto.

On the way out of the post office, I saw Pearl, who told me that she has an important upcoming doctor’s appointment. I prayed with her and helped get her posted items to the window. Pearl and I were both blessed.