Which is worse: “cheap forgiveness” or “holding a grudge”? Is there healing power in holding a grudge?
Simon Doonan of Slate has written an article defending the healing power of holding a grudge. The article is well worth reading. Doonan’s critique of the cheap forgiveness so prevalent in our culture makes a valid point. Cheap and automatic forgiveness is no way to process grave injustice. It is unbiblical and it doesn’t work (See “A Soft View of Hell Makes Hard People.”). However, Doonan’s alternative to cheap forgiveness is to hold a grudge. Holding on to anger and resentment will not work either. The only way to truly process the evil of this world is to look to our Creator. We can be confident that vengeance belongs to Him and that he will rule justly.
In his article, Doonan surveys what he calls the “now ubiquitous forgiveness movement:
In recent years there has been no shortage of high-profile forgiveness fests. Mary Jo Buttafuoco forgave Amy Fisher, the Long Island Lolita, for shooting her in the head at point-blank range. At one of his many parole hearings, Mark David Chapman, John Lennon’s killer, perturbed his interlocutors by suggesting that his victim would have forgiven him by now. (Impressively, Yoko Ono, a promoter of forgiveness in general, has repeatedly said she’s not ready to forgive Chapman.)
In 2010 a lad in Tallahassee, Fla., named Conor McBride shot his girlfriend in the head. As she was clinging to life-support, her father says he somehow sensed her pleading with him to forgive Conor. He forgave the young man.*
On March 7, just over a month after Oscar Pistorius was arrested on suspicion of murdering girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, the uncle of the deceased beauty told CNN, “I would like to be face to face with him [Pistorius] and forgive him, forgive him [for] what he’s done and that way I can find most probably more peace with the situation but tell him face to face.”
Most recently, we have the Steubenville, Ohio, rape case. Last month, the mother of the victim shocked the courtroom when she told one of the rapists that she forgave him. Though I disagree wildly with her position, I can understand how she ended up there. Immersed in our culture of healing and kumbaya, and confronted with the sobbing, apologetic 16-year-old perp, she probably felt obliged to say something. But instead of offering to forgive him, how about a little helpful advice, for example: “Young man, terrible acts have terrible consequences. You must take your punishment like a man, and then, when you have paid your debt to society, you will be given a chance to rebuild your life.
Reflecting on the death of a friend, Doonan concludes that the alternative to automatic forgiveness is to hold a grudge.
When I run out of grudges I often go back to remembering my old pal. At first I think about how insanely fun and life-enhancing he was. Inevitably, after musing for a while, I start to get irate at the injustice of his death, and I can feel my body fill with anger. But I wear that clenched jaw and tension headache—sorry, Joan Lunden—as a badge of honor. Out of respect for the memory of my pal, I will carry that rage and indignation to my grave. No forgiveness necessary.
It is a good thing to be loyal to our friends. But it is not a good thing to go through life with a clenched jaw and tension headache. Bitterness is poisonous. Instead, as I pointed out in my book Unpacking Forgiveness one of the central ways that Scripture teaches us to avoid bitterness is to rest in the truth that God will see that justice is done. Hence, Romans 12:17-21
says that we ought not to repay evil for evil, but rather we can rest in the truth that vengeance belongs to God and that he will repay.
For more, read the below posts.
Forgiveness and Virginia Tech is an article about I would say to a parent who lost a child at Virginia Tech.
A Soft View of Hell Makes Hard People explains why a neglect of biblical teaching on the doctrine of eternal punishment makes for hard and bitter people.
Al Mohler: A Dark Night in Denver: Groping for Answers is by the president of Southern Seminary and was written after the Aurora, CO murders.
5 Problems with Unconditional Forgiveness explains why a belief in automatic forgiveness has a negative theological trajectory.
Unpacking the Casey Anthony Case was written after the trial of Casey Anthony.
The Forgiveness Quiz tests your knowledge of what the Bible teaches about forgiveness and outlines the discussion in Unpacking Forgiveness.
An article about the murder of Kelsey Grammer’s sister was written regarding the parole hearings for someone convicted of the murder of the television star’s sister.
Exercises to stop thinking about how you have been wounded reflects on Psalm 73.
Here’s what I’ve been struggling with: my wife left me and took my kids and is turning them against me. But she is a Christian, so all the injustice that has happened to me and my kids will not be dealt with. My life has been destroyed, but there is no future justice to look toward because she is under grace.
Brent,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. No one who has not been through that kind of situation can imagine the pain.
I have often said (see this post http://www.chrisbrauns.com/2011/05/11/what-scares-me-most-as-a-pastor-2/ ) that what scares me most as a pastor is those people who think they are Christians, but are not. I know nothing about your situation, or your wife’s, but if a person leaves his or her spouse without biblical grounds, then it would be a time to question if the individual has saving faith.
Having said that, if your wife is a believer, then it is not as though justice has not been satisfied for her sins. Christ paid the penalty for the sins of His people. To say that there is no justice would be to diminish the atoning work of Christ.
Further, even for the Christian there are consequences to sin. We reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7-8). God disciplines his children (Proverbs 3:12,13; Heb 12).
Of course, your wife is not an isolated individual. Many people suffer because of the decisions one person makes. But thankfully the many can be made righteous by the actions of one.
My heart goes out to you. I pray that God will grant you peace.