The Bible outlines a process for Christians to follow when we have a conflict.
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See Matthew 18:15-17 and the one page overview of Unpacking forgiveness.
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If it is a grave offense, see How can I stop thinking about it? and a column I wrote after the Virginia Tech murders.
Ideally, Christians would neatly resolve every conflict. In reality, Christians cannot get to the bottom of every disagreement. One of the chapters in Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds
The below summary of that material is found in Chapter 15 of Unpacking Forgiveness and responds to the question, “What do we do when Christians come to an impasse?” It follows a discussion of Paul and Barnabas’ impasse in the book of Acts.
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Accept it: Impasses do happen.
It happened. The first missionaries in the history of the Church disagreed sharply with one another and parted company
If you or I were recording the beginning of the Church, we might have omitted the conflict between Paul and Barnabas. We might have been tempted to present an idyllic picture of leaders who worked through things without ever raising their voices. But, Luke’s goal was not to glorify Paul and Barnabas. Rather, Luke wanted to describe how the beginning of the Church and the advancement of the Word was a gracious work of the Holy Spirit. The Church and the Word moved forward, not because of people, but in spite of them.
If this kind of conflict could happen to the likes of Paul and Barnabas, then be assured it will happen to us, as well. Don’t be surprised. Impasses happen.
Fix your eyes on Jesus and continue forward.
Perhaps Paul and Barnabas themselves never considered throwing in the towel on ministry. But I’ll bet that John Mark felt like quitting for good. Can you imagine being him, the very source of the conflict between Paul and Barnabas? If John Mark had never messed up in the first place, his restoration would never have been necessary. How easy it would have been for John Mark to say, “Oh, just forget the whole thing.”
Have you ever felt like quitting the Christian life because of a conflict with another Christian? You may be there right now. Hurt by the sin of others, discouraged by your own failures, and unsure how much is your fault and how much isn’t, you want to say, “Oh, just forget it.”
It’s not really that you want to completely renounce your faith. Rather, you wish you could unplug yourself from any commitments in a local church, or that you could simply cut off all contact with someone who once was close to you.
If you are discouraged because of conflict, I can relate. There have been several times since I have been a pastor that it was so discouraging to not be able to see people agree with one another and reconcile. I remember one situation where a group of people disagreed strongly with our elders on several issues. The elders arranged a meeting to try to resolve the conflict. I can still picture what I saw when I walked by them on my way into the building that evening: The people who opposed the elders were standing in the church’s parking lot, praying. Like Paul and Barnabas, they too were convinced that they were the ones in the right. But we certainly never found agreement that evening in the meeting.
It still hurts to think about that time. I wish the outcome had been different. But, we cannot allow such setbacks to stop us from wholeheartedly serving Christ in his church. Hear the encouragement of Hebrews 12:2-3:
Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.
Jesus endured less than ideal circumstances and relationships, and so must we. No quitting. No unplugging. Keep on for Christ.
Say less: “Without gossip, a quarrel dies down.”
Whenever we face conflicts that are not easy to resolve, there is a powerful temptation to present the particulars of our case favorably before other people. We have a remarkable ability to justify what the Bible calls “whispering” or “gossip.” But, tragically, when we rationalize gossip, we provide the fuel that keeps the conflict burning. So many interpersonal fires would be doused if people would simply stop talking about them (Proverbs 26:20). See “Keep the Circle Small,” page 121
Submit: Respect God-ordained authority structures.
One of the first questions that we ought to ask when facing an impasse is, “What authority structures are already in place?” A teenager and his parent might find themselves at an impasse about whether or not the teen should have a cell phone. The reasons teens present for having a phone are often quite compelling, at least in the eyes of the teen. I have personally been on the receiving end of brilliant explanations why teenagers should have their own cell phones.
However, there may be some parents out there, wise parents even, who may not be swayed easily by their teens’ rationale. And, in that case, the Bible clearly states a resolution to the impasse: Children are to obey their parents (Ephesians 6:1-2). As long as the parents are not demanding something that goes against God’s revealed commands, the teen’s final answer in that case is that he ought to submit to his parents’ wishes.
Similarly, there are God-given authority structures in place in a local church. God has called some to lead and others to submit to their leadership (Hebrews 13:17). Of course, this does not mean that leaders should abuse their authority or lord it over people (see 1 Peter 5:3). But it does mean that there are times when the leaders must make a decision so that the work can move forward, even though agreement is not unanimous. When leaders do have to make decisions like that, people who have submitted themselves to their leadership should submit themselves to those decisions (unless, of course, they are asked to disobey God).[1]
Be hopeful and wait: Time heals what reason and emotions cannot.
We should always strive to settle our differences before the sun sets. But, when we are unable to achieve resolution, we should be hopeful for the future. This side of heaven, Christians should always dream that time and distance may provide ample enough space for eventual healing and a clearer understanding of the situation. So often it is true that when we cannot find resolution by reasoning with one another, time and distance will allow us to heal and mature to a point where resolution does become possible.
If you come to an impasse and simply cannot resolve it, then continue to pray and hope. Time heals wounds that emotions and reason cannot. You may be amazed at the healing you may find as both parties continue to grow in Christ.
Soften: There’ll always be something to admit.
Less of a man than Paul might not ever have been willing to pay John Mark a compliment, lest it come across as though he were admitting his earlier stance was an error. But Paul did not let his pride stand in the way of acknowledging what God had done to change John Mark into a profitable servant. Perhaps, Paul realized that earlier he had been too hard on John Mark. Later, when John Mark had proven himself over time, Paul spoke of him both publicly and affectionately. Do not allow a bitter difference you have had with someone to keep you from ever again demonstrating respect and care. The cause of Christ is too dear for us to hold on to old offenses. If you were treated unfairly, or the situation leading to conflict was unjust, leave the matter to God. Be willing to admit that others might change over time, showing themselves to be the real deal.
[1] See Acts 5:29.
