Question: What price do we pay when forgiving others?

I often receive forgiveness questions from those who read Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds.  Below is an excellent question.

There is one statement of the book that has caused me think more than anything else.  On page 55, in the chapter Defining Forgiveness for Christians, you make the statement, "In Biblical forgiveness, the forgiving person pays the price of forgiveness."  I understand how that statement works in within the definition of forgiveness from the Divine pattern for it was and is Christ’s death on the cross that is the price of forgiveness.  What I am struggling to wrap my head around is what the "price" is that we pay when forgiving others.  Is it that when true forgiveness takes place we no longer seek justice for the wrong against us?  Or is the price that we in forgiving put aside or "forget" the hurt that has been done to us?  Maybe I’m trying to over think this or maybe I’ve missed something in the book, but if you could help me to understand I would appreciate it.

The brief answer is that just as Christ absorbed the price of sin, we are called to absorb the price of the offense and commit to no longer holding against the repentant offender.

We need to be clear.  As I point out in my book, forgiveness does not mean the elimination of the consequences.  Repentant bank robbers still go to jail.  Nor, does it mean restitution is no longer appropriate.  But, it means if they are forgiven, then the offense no longer stands as a relational barrier between the two parties.

Let’s go over the components of forgiveness by applying it to a marriage case study, namely, how my wife Jamie forgave me when I carelessly broke something her mom gave her. I am intentionally using a matter that was not that big of a deal. (Though, I am still not sure I have told my mother-in-law). The point is to apply this definition and to show how the basic model of how God forgave us can be applied to the things that happen to us every day.

The below example is a bit silly, but it may help you consider the different aspects of forgiveness.

A Marriage Case Study

Once when we were first married, I threw a racquet ball at Jamie. I intended to throw the ball “to” her. In the end, it was more “at” her.

It was a playful thing. I was not trying to hit her. I envisioned Jamie, though surprised by a black missile flying through our living room, making a great catch. I have always been proud of Jamie’s athleticism.

I pictured that Jamie’s catch would then begin a spontaneous sporting activity between the two of us. She would, without a word, zing the ball back at me. I would effortlessly make an equally great catch, perhaps just a hair better. I would use my left hand to show that I am ambidextrous in addition to being romantic and better than average company. We would laugh, thinking, “What fun we have. Other couples don’t have so much fun throwing balls at one another.”

It didn’t happen. The ball sailed wide of Jamie’s head by a millimeter and crashed into the kinds of stuff wives arrange on end tables in living rooms.

She was not impressed and just said “Chris” in a disgusted way and went to check what I had broken.

I don’t want to sound like I am blame-shifting, this would cause problems later on in the case study, but I do think Jamie could have made the catch. I lived with four other guys in college. Any one of them would have caught that ball with sleep in his eyes while stumbling towards the shower. Astutely, however, I did not point out that my college housemates would have made the catch. I only chuckled in a forced kind of way, still going for the, “Hey, don’t we have a lot of fun at our house atmosphere.”

On the other side of the room, the mood had darkened at the scene of the accident. Jamie said mournfully, “Oh no, it’s my snow baby.”

I could not have told you that a “snow baby” lived in our home. I knew “snow angels” were something you made by lying on your back in the snow. I wouldn’t have known a snow baby if you handed me one in the original packaging with a label that read “Snow Baby.” I sensed, however, that I should have known what it was, so I said vaguely, “Oh, the snow baby.”

Holding the pieces in her hands, Jamie glared at me and responded tersely, “It was a special present my mother gave me.”

Jamie and her mom have always been close.

Even I realized that this spelled trouble. I said, without hesitation, “I’ll buy you another one.”

Not the right thing to say. Jamie responded, “This one was from my mom. And, it cost seventy five dollars.”

I felt bad about breaking something my mother in law gave Jamie. But, what really had me worried was the $75 dollars. I changed approaches quickly. “I’ll bet we can glue it I said.”

So there you go.

Eventually, Jamie forgave me.

But, what exactly did forgiveness look like? What do we mean when we say that she “forgave” me?

In the first place, she needed to be in a position of grace. She had to offer me grace and forgiveness regardless of whether or not I was sorry.

Using our definition of forgiveness, it next meant that based on my repentance, she committed that she would not hold this against me. She would not bring it up to me or others. She would not take revenge. Instead, we were reconciled.

I have broken this down further in the following table.

Forgiveness – a commitment by the offended to graciously pardon the repentant from moral liability and to be reconciled to that person though not all consequences are necessarily eliminated.
Aspect of Forgiveness	How That Aspect of Forgiveness Applied
Forgiveness is conditional. Biblical forgiveness is predicated on repentance.	I took responsibility for my behavior. It was entirely my fault and it was poor judgment to be throwing a ball in our apartment.
This commitment is made by the offended to someone. It is “social” or between two parties.	Jamie forgave me. She did not simply work through this privately or for her own benefit. It was for our relationship. You could make a case that I needed to get my mother-in-law’s forgiveness as well. But, I have always been afraid to tell her. After that, it would not be appropriate for anyone else to forgive me. Jamie was the one I offended.
Forgiveness is a commitment or promise made by the offended.	She committed that she would not hold this against me. I don’t think she felt good about it at that time, but she was willing to make that promise.
Forgiveness is gracious but not free.	Motivated by love, Jamie forgave me on the basis of grace. She did not try and recover the cost of the Snow Baby either formally (although in some instances that would be appropriate) nor did she punish me in some other way. She chose to pay the price herself. (I am not ultimately sure what happened to the pieces of the broken Snow Baby).
The commitment is to pardon from moral obligation or liability	Jamie no longer holds me morally responsible. I have been pardoned from my reprehensible destruction of the Snow Baby.
Forgiveness begins and lays the groundwork for the process of reconciliation.	I would not be using this as an illustration if we had not reconciled over the deal. Reconciliation is inextricably connected to forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not mean the elimination of all consequences.	There are consequences. I am no longer free to spontaneously throw racquet balls to Jamie. I have given up that right. However, Jamie is not trying to get back at me for breaking her Snow Baby. Ideally, I would have replaced the Snow Baby, though to be honest, I don’t think I did.