Whether it is in our marriages, church, or workplace, a small effort can lead to a spiral of positive outcomes. Even a kiss can make a big difference. In their book, Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, Chip and Dan Heath share:
Small targets lead to small victories, and small victories can often trigger a positive spiral of behavior. Marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis wrote about her clients Paula and George, who’s been married for eight years but had been fighting consistently for the previous two. Weiner-Davis had been counseling the couple for a while, and they’d made some progress but nothing dramatic. Then came the breakthrough–a kiss.
One morning, George kissed Paula. The kiss surprised her, caught her off guard a little, and made her happy. Being happy prompted her to do a little thing she hadn’t done in a while: She brewed a pot of coffee. “We used to drink coffee together often, but lately the tradition has fallen by the wayside,” she told the therapist.
George smelled the coffee and came down for a cup. He and Paula had a pleasant conversation. . . George’s kiss launched a positive spiral.
Why did such a little thing matter so much? Because it generated hope that change was possible.
Now at this point, someone will proudly think, “Well, I kiss my spouse every day.”
Good for you.
Except, if you kiss your spouse every day it doesn’t count, not for change anyway. Don’t get me wrong. It is a good thing if you kiss your spouse every day. You really should. But what you do every day doesn’t promise change. It is expected.
So keep kissing (if you are applying this to marriage). But think creatively about a small change you can make at work or at home that promises hope. Clean the bathroom. Gas your spouse’s car. Buy flowers. Or maybe change the kiss up a little? Make it memorable! Either way, do something small and unexpected that promises change.
But then don’t go and ruin it by complaining the other party didn’t notice. You can’t demand an immediate result. Whine that it was unnoticed and it will be worse than if you didn’t do it in the first place. Keep looking for small ways to promise change. Surprise people close to you across the years. You never know when a positive spiral of behavior might result.
What a great idea!! My husband and I really love each other and our marriage is strong. Thinking about doing something different or special sounds wonderful. Something he would not expect. I have to think on this…What could I do?
Your post reminds me of a verse I was reading in my Bible this morning, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 the commentator mentioned putting this verse next to your bathroom mirror in the morning so you see your reflection and are reminded of how to treat others like you want to be treated.